Reflections on critical consciousness...

I enjoy the exploration of the critical perspectives, including critical thinking, critical mass and critical consciousness. “Critical approach requires us to take a step back, examine presumptions and figure out who benefits from maintaining a particular problem” (Hardcastle & Powers, 2004) In Chapter 3 of “Community Practice”, the critical approach is used to examine the need of activist to “expose domination” and promote “emancipation” (p 66.) They point that one way that the goals of domination are achieved is through the labeling of the oppressed.

One example of this is the many ways in which indigenous cultural practices are over simplified or mislabeled. In “Mabel McKay: Weaving the Dream;” by Greg Sarris, he speaks to some of the perspectives relating to the Pomo healers and basket traditions. One lesson that I took from this was the word for “beautiful” and “art” does not exist in the Kashaya Pomo dialect, (i. e. beautiful basket) rather it is the “spirit” which is embedded within creation. It is in the thoughts and prayers of the weaver that is translated into the work of the weaver. Thus Pomo baskets are not works of art- rather works of prayerfulness. Yet the persistence of labeling Native baskets as “beautiful” works of “art” allows museums to maintain their collections and collectors to retain “their” collection, rather than return these living identities to the community where they could achieve the purpose of their creation.

I know that the return of my academic discourse to an exploration of indigenous issues must seem repetitive to many. However, it is part of my critical consciousness. Peggy McIntosh explores issues of white privilege in her article “White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Backpack” (1988). I am reminded of her work almost daily in the context of academia and in the broader field of social work practice. One of the ways that this occurs in is during the seemingly endless search for culturally specific practices to bring into social work application in this rural community with a wealth of Native communities.

I sat in class the other day listening, and interjecting, to a discussion of a relevant special topics course options for our cohort to engage in this coming spring. Two of the choices that were offered related to working within Native American communities. Mental Health services and practices within Native communities and Mind, Body and Spiritual awareness practices that are currently being used or may be appropriate to use within Native communities. It got heated. This is a perfectly natural outcome for a leaderless, non-facilitated large group discussion.

Community organizing work is Work. Community needs assessments need an agreed upon set of group centered guidelines to insure the safety of the participants. This class has been interesting reflection of the process of community organizing. I find that for me the most valuable set of tools to use in an evaluation process are those found in “Culturally Competent Evaluation in Indian Country” LaFrance(2004.) In this piece she cites the work of Christensen (2004), the “3 R’s; respect, relationship and reciprocity.” These sound so basic, but the reality is that without these three components present and fully recognizable by all members participating within the assessment process, it is inevitable that many will walk away from the process with a bitter taste in their mouths. They may even choose to remain removed from the process and the whole community will experience a loss of the perspective they bring.

Community work often requires the bringing together of those whom have experienced oppression and discrimination. It encourages all to find their voices after a life-time or perhaps after generation after generation of assimilation, termination or cultural genocide and appropriation. Community organizing requires a drawing forth of the power that lies within that community and within the individual members of that community. The purpose of creating a “safe” environment for the empowerment to occur within is to acknowledge that some may retreat in the face of conflict. The flip side of conflict is that it is may be the critical ingredient needed for critical mass to occur. A sudden loss of complacency may be the impotence needed to create the motivation needed to persevere toward achieving substantial change.

I am extremely grateful for the opportunities this community organizing class has afforded me. I see that I myself have participated in nonproductive community organizing traps, such as “logical fallacies”( Hardcastle & Powers, p. 211-212.) At this time I would like to say that for myself, I would be grateful for the opportunity to apologize if I have offended anyone. I would also like to renew my commitment to promoting positivity and expressing confidence in the community organizing process, both within our class and in the larger community in which I serve.

Thoughts on the change process...

I am offering this personal reflection as a perspective on the change process. I have been asked to engage in community organization process. I feel that if change on the personal realm can trigger such deep rooted responses, change at the community level brings with it the personal experiences of the all the individuals involved and of the community as a whole. Change at the community level can bring about substantially greater rewards; however, the organizer should enter into the engagement process fully cognizant of the varying layer of change process and the emotional responses that may need to be address during the change process.

The Change Most Necessary, Maybe Most Difficult

I list ability to change and willingness to change as being two of my top ranking personal skills. I live my life in a perpetual state of contemplation. I loathe external critique; as no one knows me as well as I know myself and no one is more sharply critical of every aspect of my life than I. As an individual who has suffered greatly from unequal power differential, I recognized that I cannot change another, yet I can find ways to change myself and extricate myself from potential harm. These personal observations are a result of re-framing my personal narrative of disruption and instability to strength-based self assessments. In retrospect, it is difficult to remember the crippling vice of critically low-self esteem that contributed so strongly to successive engagement in a wide array of self-destructive behaviors.

Perhaps the most difficult aspect of my life that I needed to address and readdress in order to resolve was abstaining from abusive relationships. As a child who grew up in experiencing violence and emotional abuse as normal, it was very challenging for me to draw the line and hold it. I have always viewed others behaviors as directly linked to stressors in their environment. This is how I made peace with the unacceptable behaviors of others. I saw how much pain they were experiencing and I also saw their redeeming characteristics and I loved them unconditionally. I did not have the same unconditional love for myself however and this is what I had to develop in order to learn to allow healthy relationships to occur in my life.

One of the challenging aspects of abusive relationships is that the perpetrator often blames the victim for causing the abuse to occur. When you have low self-esteem, it is easy to play right into the victim role. I do not like the terms victim and perpetrator. Both are dehumanizing and labels people by their behaviors rather than viewing them holistically. I view people as having the ability to change and too often I excused unacceptable behaviors as being an expression of others pain and their holding on to lesson continually given to them throughout their lives. I felt like anyone had the ability to act in inappropriate ways if given similar situations and that is how I had became stuck in a loop.

Unfortunately, my children were stuck in this loop with me. My oldest child is a daughter and I have two sons. I wanted better for them and ultimately, for myself as well. I recognized that it was my responsibility to extricate us from this cycle before they became entrenched. It was really a process of trial and error that led to long lasting change. First, I looked to rather external features thinking that this would bring about substantive change. I thought that if I looked to people that lived their life in sobriety and by strict spiritual principals, I would be safe. I soon came to realize that I had entered into bargaining. I was discounting obvious warning signs in favor of an arbitrary belief in their overt declarations of commitment to a nonviolent lifestyle.

People close to me emphatically stated the obvious truth that I refused to see. The more adamant they spoke out, the more I looked for ways to discount their concerns. I retold all of the tales of pasted abuse that had occurred in my partner’s life that contributed to their “past” abusive behaviors. I extolled their triumphs over these hardships and pointed to all of the many ways my partner had dedicated his life commitment to living in services of others. We went from ceremony to ceremony, constantly in prayer. Where ever we went, I was disturbed by the constant refrain, “How are things with ______” always followed by “if you ever need anything please call.”

Whenever things were not as healthy as they should have been, I told myself that I was overlaying past situations on to the present situation. This was also what I told others close to me who expressed their concerns. I had an external justification for every abuse I had ever previously experienced or I blamed myself for causing or allowing it to occur. I blamed substance abuse, unaddressed mental health issues, insecurities or jealousy or financial stressors for contributing to past episodes of domestic violence. I had addressed these issues in my own life, so I was now trying to operate under the presumption that I had progressed to the point where I was safe.

On Mother’s Day, the unthinkable occurred. My oldest son was violently attacked by my partner. I flew to my son’s defense while my daughter arrived with knife in hand and my youngest son cried out in fear and helplessness. This was the clearest statement of intent he could have ever made. The excuses stopped. The decision came swiftly and without any doubt.

I abstained from all relationships outside my immediate family for a significant period of time. I attended to the needs of my children and set about mending bridges with those who I had shut out. I of course accepted full responsibility for the damage I had allowed to occur. It took years to trust myself and my judgment again. I am still earning the trust of others regarding my ability to protect myself and my children. I finally have reached a state where I accept their lingering doubts as tokens of sincere caring. I prayed for forgiveness and healing. Eventually, I prayed for love to come into my life.

When it came, I was afraid. I was afraid to trust myself and my ability to choose a partner with whom I could have a healthy relationship with. This fear was deeper that anything I had ever experienced. In the past, my sense of self-efficacy was strong. My confidence in the change process was high. This time it was different. These self-perceptions were more deeply connected to my child self. Again, I chose to shift my focus. I looked to that eternal optimism that allowed both my survival and allowed the capacity for unconditional love. This time I applied those standards to myself. I took things very slowly. I opened my heart yet maintained the distance necessary to assure my emotional safety. I listened to my children and my parents and considered them in my choices. I made structured choices and allowed time to pass in order to examine the outcomes of these choices. I allowed a series of small choices and successful outcomes to create a template for greater success.

We practiced health communication. My new partner insisted on practicing theses skills. This felt uncomfortable for me, but he recognized my need to learn to communicate my feelings. The most important area of growth for me was to learn to differentiate between which were my own feelings and my responsibilities to manage and which were someone else’s feelings, and therefore, their responsibility to manage. I learned that it is inappropriate for me to take on others feelings as my own. I need to be responsible to myself and my own emotional well-being and give others the same level of respect to be able to do the same. If we are having difficulty doing this then we take time and go back to the basics. This is how we earned a trusting, healthy relationship. We work on our relationship, and our communication, allowing them to grow to meet our needs as we learn more about life, ourselves and each other.

What's with the Birds?

I want to thank City Birds for the lovely feathered friends found on my Blog Spot. For me they are a metaphor for unexpected beauty. As previously posted, I am a nature child, which is not to say that for the majority of my life I have found myself to be displaced in the urban landscape. To me there is no greater blessing than to watch the wind blow like waves across the meadow. To watch the light changing as the cloud build into thunderheads. To smell the rain or the snow on the breeze. To listen to the water; roaring in the spring and quietly flowing in the late summer. These are the places that I feel whole, where I know I have purpose, and where I feel safe to be myself.

I went through culture shock when I moved into the cities. I did not understand what I saw there. It left my heart aching. Then it would come to me, slowly through the din of the traffic. Lilting on the morning breeze. Feasting on the remains wasted from lunch hurried and forgotten. Voices from my childhood calling to me. Perched on the wire, cocking its head, before lifting its voice to the sky to sing its glorious song. Their dark shiny eyes seem to laugh at me as they hop ever closer. Do not forget who you are and that each life has purpose. We may not know where this road may lead us but do not forget to hear the joyful songs, to honor the the mighty, fragile friend come to lend you their strength in your times of uncertainty.

Forward through the mist...

So it is time to stop procrastinating and face my technology fear/resistance head-on. So much comes up for me when engaging in this, so engage I must and let the fear subside...
I have oft been loathed the engagement in technology, justified that I have too many responsibility in my tangible existence. Lately, I have come to realize that the this resistance has become a mill stone that I have secured around my own neck. It is time to break free.

Memories...

I am a gurl who remembers
the sound of the wind
whispering in the cat-tails.
The smell of the pond
mixes with the smell of the rain
as it gathers in the breeze.
The light changing
as clouds rush in.
The song birds sing
as they clutch their tiny feet
Fast to the reeds.
I watch the leaves
of the willow
and the poplars quake.
Silver shimmer,
they turn their soft side
to the rising wind.
In the distance the sheets fall,
Rain racing across the land to this place.
The place of cat-tails
and the girl who watches
life unfolding.
She feels the strength
and gentleness,
of the wind,
of the rain
and of the land.