Thoughts on the change process...

I am offering this personal reflection as a perspective on the change process. I have been asked to engage in community organization process. I feel that if change on the personal realm can trigger such deep rooted responses, change at the community level brings with it the personal experiences of the all the individuals involved and of the community as a whole. Change at the community level can bring about substantially greater rewards; however, the organizer should enter into the engagement process fully cognizant of the varying layer of change process and the emotional responses that may need to be address during the change process.

The Change Most Necessary, Maybe Most Difficult

I list ability to change and willingness to change as being two of my top ranking personal skills. I live my life in a perpetual state of contemplation. I loathe external critique; as no one knows me as well as I know myself and no one is more sharply critical of every aspect of my life than I. As an individual who has suffered greatly from unequal power differential, I recognized that I cannot change another, yet I can find ways to change myself and extricate myself from potential harm. These personal observations are a result of re-framing my personal narrative of disruption and instability to strength-based self assessments. In retrospect, it is difficult to remember the crippling vice of critically low-self esteem that contributed so strongly to successive engagement in a wide array of self-destructive behaviors.

Perhaps the most difficult aspect of my life that I needed to address and readdress in order to resolve was abstaining from abusive relationships. As a child who grew up in experiencing violence and emotional abuse as normal, it was very challenging for me to draw the line and hold it. I have always viewed others behaviors as directly linked to stressors in their environment. This is how I made peace with the unacceptable behaviors of others. I saw how much pain they were experiencing and I also saw their redeeming characteristics and I loved them unconditionally. I did not have the same unconditional love for myself however and this is what I had to develop in order to learn to allow healthy relationships to occur in my life.

One of the challenging aspects of abusive relationships is that the perpetrator often blames the victim for causing the abuse to occur. When you have low self-esteem, it is easy to play right into the victim role. I do not like the terms victim and perpetrator. Both are dehumanizing and labels people by their behaviors rather than viewing them holistically. I view people as having the ability to change and too often I excused unacceptable behaviors as being an expression of others pain and their holding on to lesson continually given to them throughout their lives. I felt like anyone had the ability to act in inappropriate ways if given similar situations and that is how I had became stuck in a loop.

Unfortunately, my children were stuck in this loop with me. My oldest child is a daughter and I have two sons. I wanted better for them and ultimately, for myself as well. I recognized that it was my responsibility to extricate us from this cycle before they became entrenched. It was really a process of trial and error that led to long lasting change. First, I looked to rather external features thinking that this would bring about substantive change. I thought that if I looked to people that lived their life in sobriety and by strict spiritual principals, I would be safe. I soon came to realize that I had entered into bargaining. I was discounting obvious warning signs in favor of an arbitrary belief in their overt declarations of commitment to a nonviolent lifestyle.

People close to me emphatically stated the obvious truth that I refused to see. The more adamant they spoke out, the more I looked for ways to discount their concerns. I retold all of the tales of pasted abuse that had occurred in my partner’s life that contributed to their “past” abusive behaviors. I extolled their triumphs over these hardships and pointed to all of the many ways my partner had dedicated his life commitment to living in services of others. We went from ceremony to ceremony, constantly in prayer. Where ever we went, I was disturbed by the constant refrain, “How are things with ______” always followed by “if you ever need anything please call.”

Whenever things were not as healthy as they should have been, I told myself that I was overlaying past situations on to the present situation. This was also what I told others close to me who expressed their concerns. I had an external justification for every abuse I had ever previously experienced or I blamed myself for causing or allowing it to occur. I blamed substance abuse, unaddressed mental health issues, insecurities or jealousy or financial stressors for contributing to past episodes of domestic violence. I had addressed these issues in my own life, so I was now trying to operate under the presumption that I had progressed to the point where I was safe.

On Mother’s Day, the unthinkable occurred. My oldest son was violently attacked by my partner. I flew to my son’s defense while my daughter arrived with knife in hand and my youngest son cried out in fear and helplessness. This was the clearest statement of intent he could have ever made. The excuses stopped. The decision came swiftly and without any doubt.

I abstained from all relationships outside my immediate family for a significant period of time. I attended to the needs of my children and set about mending bridges with those who I had shut out. I of course accepted full responsibility for the damage I had allowed to occur. It took years to trust myself and my judgment again. I am still earning the trust of others regarding my ability to protect myself and my children. I finally have reached a state where I accept their lingering doubts as tokens of sincere caring. I prayed for forgiveness and healing. Eventually, I prayed for love to come into my life.

When it came, I was afraid. I was afraid to trust myself and my ability to choose a partner with whom I could have a healthy relationship with. This fear was deeper that anything I had ever experienced. In the past, my sense of self-efficacy was strong. My confidence in the change process was high. This time it was different. These self-perceptions were more deeply connected to my child self. Again, I chose to shift my focus. I looked to that eternal optimism that allowed both my survival and allowed the capacity for unconditional love. This time I applied those standards to myself. I took things very slowly. I opened my heart yet maintained the distance necessary to assure my emotional safety. I listened to my children and my parents and considered them in my choices. I made structured choices and allowed time to pass in order to examine the outcomes of these choices. I allowed a series of small choices and successful outcomes to create a template for greater success.

We practiced health communication. My new partner insisted on practicing theses skills. This felt uncomfortable for me, but he recognized my need to learn to communicate my feelings. The most important area of growth for me was to learn to differentiate between which were my own feelings and my responsibilities to manage and which were someone else’s feelings, and therefore, their responsibility to manage. I learned that it is inappropriate for me to take on others feelings as my own. I need to be responsible to myself and my own emotional well-being and give others the same level of respect to be able to do the same. If we are having difficulty doing this then we take time and go back to the basics. This is how we earned a trusting, healthy relationship. We work on our relationship, and our communication, allowing them to grow to meet our needs as we learn more about life, ourselves and each other.